In the last newsletter, we spoke about making promises from a low vibration motivation and the impending impact such a choice. This week I’d like you to imagine that you have made a promise with a high vibration motivation. It could be a promise to be a good friend to someone, to be loyal, available in times of need, or to support someone financially or emotionally.
A high vibration, authentic and spiritually responsibility motivation includes the following:
You were conscious, not triggered, knew what you were promising and didn’t utter your words in reaction to the situation.
You were not looking for a secondary gain from your promise such as: choosing to rescue another because of your fear of being alone; choosing to be a hostage to your second chakra because of your fear of another’s opinion of you; choosing to build your self-esteem by making yourself available for any and all regardless of whether you truly want to be responsible for another person, or allowing a distortion of your compassion to allow your heart to overrule your head.
You stay true to your promise until one day you notice that the recipient of your vow or promise doesn’t seem to be doing very much to help himself. He continually blames others for his plight in life rather than taking spiritual responsibility [the victim]; he doesn’t make any true progress in looking for a job, a new place to live, or ways to be happy [malingerer]; he starts to exhibit an air of vindication and expectation of your continued support, and justifies his failure to thrive as a direct result of his unlucky circumstances.
Months and years go by as you remain steadfast in your promise to help, as he remains just as steadfast to accept your help without an effort to change his life. Your integrity insists that you continue even though you are beginning to feel weary, unappreciated, perhaps even used, mixed in with some resentment and even anger. You might even become tired of his tirades and empty words: “I just need more time to heal…”
Yet you carry on because you made a promise. You have less time to take care of yourself and your responsibilities and needs, yet you carry on. Somehow, you didn’t realize you were signing on for a lifetime of caretaking a person who doesn’t seem anxious to change or help himself.
Now what? Should you continue? You’ve had many talks with your friend about trying new methods, stepping up, and perhaps seeking more help from a counselor, clergy, or other helper. And what does he say? He becomes hurt and angry because he has come to expect your caretaking. He questions your loyalty, your friendship, even your compassion. Ouch, and now you stay stuck in this untenable situation for a few more months and your conflict grows because you were taught that a good friend keeps his promises.
Between a rock and a hard place, you stay awake at night and play ping pong with your thoughts: Should I stay true to my word even though it is leaving me resentful and destroying our relationship, or take a risk and step up and be truthful with my friend that he isn’t participating in his recovery as much as you are, and risk the end of the friendship.
Your loyalty to your integrity can clearly harm you if you stay in this rigid and black and white space because you will see yourself as a good person who keeps his word, or a bad person who breaks his promises.
I suggest some wiggle room because your integrious promise has mutated into a harmful energetic pattern between you and your friend.
Renegotiate your promise. “I will help you, but I expect you to also help yourself, and then be specific as to what that might look like.
Give him resources. Point him in a direction to learn about transforming the victim archetype, and developing more confidence and self-esteem.
Set limits. Give him boundaries so he can take responsibility for some of his life, thoughts, moods, and forms of communication. Is your friend moody and does he expect you to cheer him up or listen to his repeating woes? Is he often angry and blathering on about how his life isn’t fair? Does he bring anything to your table or simply take?
Be firm but loving. Set a schedule for your continued help and stick to it.
Allow your friend to move at his own pace; no expectations, but take no responsibility for his failure to launch.
Living dynamically means that you periodically review your life energy investments. Sometimes your investments can drain you because another person hasn’t held up his side of the agreement. Staying static and unchanging is not good for either of you. You can’t be loyal to something that is draining you and expect to be as passionate, vibrant and happy as you know you can be.
The question you need you to ask yourself is: can you examine your idea of integrity so you can make high vibration, energy giving choices that move you forward in your life? Can you develop compassion for yourself, let yourself off the hook (I highly suggest reviewing the prayer by that name in the Christel Cards: Prayers to Raise Your Vibration) and ease up on yourself by being more flexible in your thinking?
Remember, the point is to keep your vibration in a steady, high place. Even if you made a promise from an authentic and high vibration motivation, sometimes you have to reevaluate that promise. Things change, you change, and sometimes people choose to stay stuck or are unwilling to hold up their end of the deal.
BTW, there are some expected results from your choices:
First, your renegotiation will extricate you from a bad situation.
Second, if your friend is a low vibration victim, you will hear about what a lousy friend you are, regardless of how much you have given or done for him. Because that is the nature of a victim: you can never give them enough and they will always complain it wasn’t done fast enough or right enough. So stop trying.
Have no fear, however, your friend will most likely find someone new to take over your caretaking position. That’s how it works when someone doesn’t want to step up and take responsibility for his life.
Third, and I saved the best for last, your renegotiation of a promise is a tremendous gift; it may be the one and only, and thus perfect motivation for your friend to change and make the choice to step up!
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