Many people have written me with this question: “One of my parents, or someone close to me, continually hurts me with and without words. After a telephone call or visit, I feel drained and resentful, and dread the next interaction. Should I continue to forgive a parent who constantly hurts me, or remove them from my life?”
This question could apply to any relationship—parent, significant other, child, colleague, or friend. As written, it is a difficult choice—to accept the relationship as is and continue to be drained, or end the relationship. I’d like to suggest some alternative possibilities to heal this situation, but first you need to answer some questions:
The first thing I would ask is who needs the forgiveness? Second, what needs forgiving? You have to know what you are forgiving, or else you never truly let it go, even though you have surrendered it many times before. Mental forgiveness is a profound energy drain.
Don’t get trapped in either spiritually groovy place: where you try to forgive by being so understanding of the other person’s past and their hurts. Or that you need to forgive yourself for your wounded perceptions. Again, it accomplishes nothing. This redundant mental exercise and rationalization will not run through your chakra system, nor heal the issue. It’s a waste of your precious mental activity that could be channeled for a good cause. The truth is, that neither of these will set you free.
Instead, ask yourself the following questions. Be New York honest with your answers.
• Are you supporting your spirit when you repeatedly accept such denigration?
• Are you giving your power away to others simply because you share the same blood type, they are an authority figure, or have been your friend for a long time?
• Are you being authentic, honest, and speaking up for yourself?
• Are you prostituting yourself for a secondary gain such as love or approval?
It’s important to recognize that often people are not aware that they are being hurtful, or rough with their words. Therefore, you need to say clearly, “those jokes are hurtful,” or “your criticism doesn’t feel constructive or loving.” People sometimes have bad behavior because they don’t know any better, or are unaware of the impact of their words.
I am a firm believer in giving people the opportunity to “rise to the occasion” and make different and healthy choices. But they can’t do this, if you do not tell them what is bothering you; and if they aren’t psychic, chances are, they do not know.
Ask yourself, would you accept this behavior from a friend or co-worker, or are you trapped by a limiting belief that says, honor they mother and father—no matter what; friends are for life; if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all? These beliefs will cause you to accept disrespectful behavior without recourse. Rewrite your tribal belief to an energy like, It is reasonable to believe I can honor my mother and father without sacrificing myself. Remember that your energetic broadcast plays the defining role in your relationships.
You must specifically and energetically ask them to stop their hurtful behavior. What if you have told them, “I don’t want to be criticized,” but the hurtful comments continue? Most of the time, the problem is that your energy is not behind your words. Such half-hearted requests will simply float in the ethers without impact. Next and you might not want to hear this, you need to ask yourself if you are putting out an energetic broadcast that says, my feelings do not matter, or I’m not that important?” This energetic broadcast teaches people how to treat you—without you ever saying a word. What message are you broadcasting in your relationships? Are you broadcasting that you are worthy of respect?
Is there something you want or need from this person that causes you to prostitute yourself and return for more punishment? Are you looking for love, approval, and acceptance? Have you been willing to put up with anything to get it? It’s time to consider getting what you need elsewhere. Start with yourself by healing your third chakra, the energetic seat of self-esteem.
Take your power back. Sharing a bloodline or long-term friendship does not afford the right to denigrate you. You are in charge of whether someone continually hurts you or not. If your goal is for a high vibration and passionately fun life, then you need to take care of yourself and be spiritually responsible. This means that you have looked at and taken responsibility for your role in this relationship, and changed it. You can only change yourself. It’s not your job to fix others.
Now don’t get excited; I haven’t forgotten about them. I am not excusing bad or deprecating behavior because someone had a rough past. We are in charge of the choices we make in the present. The past is gone; we live in the present where you can heal. While you may have been powerless as a child over what happened to you, you are not powerless as an adult. As a child, you could not protect yourself, however, as an adult you can. When you don’t take care of and protect yourself, you are reliving the past wounds, and will be unable to experience true forgiveness. That comes only from changing the pattern of powerlessness. It is never too late to make a different choice. It is never too late to learn a new way. You are now in charge of how you are treated. Be a good friend to yourself.
What if you have asked for more respect and your request is laughed at, ignored, or they simply can’t do it? First, get off the telephone, go for a walk, limit the interaction, or end the conversation. There is no law that says you have to tolerate such behavior. Second, pray for that person; send them light and the best energy you can. You don’t have to stop loving them; on the other hand you don’t have to force yourself to love someone you dislike. You simply need to respect yourself and others and take care of yourself. This new energetic broadcast will begin to reshape your relationships in a wondrous way.
Lastly, it is time to forgive yourself for your role in this relationship. If you have repeatedly given away your power, then commit to keeping it next time, by speaking up. If you have allowed yourself to be harangued, then commit to taking better care of yourself by getting away. If you have suffered through a wicked visit from a friend, send them to a hotel next time—if there is a next time! You have so many loving options that will end your energy drains and feelings of resentment.
If you have given your power away and you know you will do it again, you will never come to a place of forgiveness. To forgive yourself, you must be willing to make a change. How could you forgive yourself for a transgression you know you will repeat next time? Make the commitment to yourself, and you will be amazed at the high vibration ripple effect of your choice.
We are so excited when we hear about how your lives have changed for the better. You make our day!
Special kudos to:
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Donna, an excellent student. She followed the principles of Spiritual Responsibility and created the life she wanted. Congratulations, Princess Donna, on your engagement!
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All those who have joined us in praying for those on our prayer list.Your prayers help more than you know.
This week's prayer:
"Dear God, Please help me to accept your presence and infinite compassion. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve your unconditional love and comfort; please help me to open my heart, let down my defenses, and dissolve my pride. Amen.
We are looking for people who are fluent in sign language to interpret at our workshops. If you have this expertise, please contact the Center for Spiritual Responsibility.
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